when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
