We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
