theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
