I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
