She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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