im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
