You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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