so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
