my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
