Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
