i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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