4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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