we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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