with your own penis?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
