We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
