Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
