There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
