Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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