I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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