So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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