I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize