Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
