when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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