I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
