Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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