My first STD was from a foam party
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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