if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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