I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you mean i was at the winter classic?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
