I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
