Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize