just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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