we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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