I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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