I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
