Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
