Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
