my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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