um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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