I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
