dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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