Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is Oprah even human
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
