Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
