Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
