So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
