really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
