I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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