I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize