I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The beer is more important than you right now.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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