Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
