Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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