The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
40s are totally the cure
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
