wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
