Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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