In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
