god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
