I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
