it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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