you would pick up someone in the library
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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