Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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