i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
