Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
