Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
