my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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