Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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