That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
