we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
