i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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