Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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