i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize