Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
