Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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